Fall, faith and the beauty of letting go
I can’t believe it’s already September. The leaves on the trees outside my window have already started to show the first signs of blush-red as they begin to change. Autumn has always been my favourite time of the year. Each season has its own particular lessons, and this season, Fall, has been reinforcing the lesson I’ve been learning for the last two years – that there is a certain beauty in letting go.
I’ve not been very active on this page for many personal reasons. This year has been tough on everyone, and for me it’s brought particular challenges. I lost my job at the beginning of the COVID lockdown, a job I thought was part of my soul or life purpose. I had to let go of a deep soul relationship because I no longer felt that it aligned with how I deserve to be treated or valued. My dreams of building a life in Scotland were ripped away too. I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life and facing having to return to Australia when I had had every intention of staying in Scotland and putting down roots here.
The isolation of lockdown in the UK – especially for someone living alone dealing with multiple levels of grief – were a new level of dark-night-of-the-soul. I’ve experienced a dark night of the soul before. A spiritual awakening so to speak which was triggered back in 2014. It’s what started me off on my spiritual journey. I thought that had been a difficult three years of recovery, healing and discovery, all ultimately leading me to move to Scotland back in 2017. That had been nothing compared to what the last two years have had for me.
I have to admit, whilst I tried initially to hold the faith, eventually I gave into the overwhelming rage, anger, bitterness and resentment. I felt I was being punished, pushed into a naughty corner – in complete lockdown, unable to move. Not just physically with all the restrictions, but metaphorically as well. I felt constrained, and as someone who values my freedom and independence, this year has felt like Purgatory. I raged. I fought. I cursed. I threw the tantrum of all tantrums to every God, Guide or Spirit that has existed or may ever exist. I begged. I pleaded. I bargained. I went through every one of the seven stages of grief three times over. Every time I thought there was an opportunity to make staying in Scotland work, the rug was pulled out from under me.
It almost felt like the Universe was dangling hope, then yanking it away yelling “psych”! I felt like I was the victim of some sadistic Higher Power. That’s not to say I don’t realise that some people have had it worst. I’ve been lucky. I’ve had my health. I had enough savings to see me through until now. But all in all, this year has stripped away so many things that I valued and held dear – so many dreams, plans, hopes burned to ash. I lost my faith for awhile in the idea of a benevolent Universe. In truth, I don’t know if I have fully recovered that faith as yet.
But that’s the thing about Faith isn’t it? It’s believing, even in the absence of evidence, that things are working out for your highest good. It’s trusting your intuition. It’s letting go of your ego and listening to the heart. It’s letting go of the life you had planned, and allowing life to live through you. It’s letting go of control, and trusting that you are being led to the essence of what you truly desire, even if you can’t see how that could possibly be true. It’s hard for me to believe all of that as I’m facing returning to Australia on 1 November – jobless, in debt and without my two kitties who have to stay back in Scotland until February when they will (hopefully) be allowed to fly.
I’m trying hard to believe that all these things were stripped away because sometimes things need to fall apart in order to fall back together – stronger, more stable, more aligned. I have to admit I’m struggling to hold the faith, to shift my perspective, to try to find the silver-lining in all of this. Every year I choose a word at New Year, a word to symbolise the energy of the year ahead – a focus word so to speak. My word for 2020 had been Peace. There is so much power in words. It’s only now looking back that I realise that ‘Peace’ isn’t the absence of chaos, but the ability to find your centre of balance, your faith, your stability in the midst of the devastation, and the courage to keep going.
And so we come full circle to Autumn and the lessons it teaches all of us about the beauty of letting go. Autumn is a reminder that every season plays its part in the constant, ever-changing cycle of life. Every year the trees are stripped back to bare bones and bark. They shed their leaves, gift us their fruits and harvest, and release all they’ve built over the year without fear. The trees have faith that even as autumn fades to the quiet stillness of winter, the spring will bring with it, new beginnings, new blessings and new abundance.
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