My rage was running the show

Self-DiscoveryChronic Health IssuesInner Healing

28 July

Lately, I'd been experiencing a lot of rage, and there was no discernible reason as to why exactly. It felt like a constant roiling energy in my solar plexus. My shoulders were constantly tense and I noticed more tension headaches because I was clenching my jaw.

I'd find myself snapping at loved ones, being passive aggressive and sarcastic at work, withdrawing from social interactions, and my sleep partners were getting worst. I kept waking up inexplicably in the middle of the night, around 1am and struggling to get back to sleep.

The old me, the me who hadn’t learned to do the shadow work would have taken one of two options:

I could go into a tail spin and beat myself up for feeling bad (and make myself feel worse)
I could ignore, suppress and pretend it wasn’t happening - and then have embarrassing outbursts at inappropriate times / things / people.

Instead of blaming myself or suppressing the anger, I did the most radical thing any human can do in our society that thrives on dissociation and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I took the day to sit with it.

I sat down and I brought my attention to where this energy was sitting in my body. It was in my shoulders, chest, my jaw. It felt like tempestuous. It felt big.

It’s natural to feel fear when we see a part of ourself that has been hidden from us for a very long time. With self-regulation tools, I calmed my nervous system so that I could hold my energy and face the energy I was experiencing.

The trick is to bring non-judgmental awareness to what’s coming up. To not attach a story to the feelings, to listen actively to what you hear as you put your attention on the energy that is moving through your body.

As I tuned inwards, there was a lot of discomfort. The energy was there but it didn’t want to be noticed. This is something that is quite common when you do parts work. The ‘shadow’ aspects of ourselves are happy to take the wheel of our life, they just don’t always want us to KNOW when they are taking the wheel

This shadow, this part that was holding so much rage, resentment, bitterness, betrayal was my 10 year old self. Her anger was palpable. And familiar. I recognised this emotion coming up, I recognised how it had manifested in past relationships, in my jobs.

I recognised it in the way I had projected my fear of abandonment in my last relationship, I recognised it in the jealousy and possessiveness that I battled with in intimate relationships, I recognised it in the snappiness and desire to push away people when they got too close.

And here’s the thing about healing work. You have to recognise when you can’t do it alone. So I reached out to a friend of mine to lend me her nervous system as I began to reform a dialogue with a part of me that had been suppressed for 28 years. She helped bring me back to task when I deflected and dropped into stories, she helped me stay focused on presence.

Because being able to stay present in your body is the biggest act of rebellion you can take in a world that is primed to help you step out of your body and into dissociative behaviours.

It has taken three weeks of consistent presence and awareness to recognise the flavour of 10 year old Amanda when she pops in. And instead of pushing her aside, berating her or judging her, I took the time to notice her, to sit with her, to just be present.

The energy has softened. And over the last few weeks I’ve been working a spell grid to help dissolve the heaviness, the resistance and draw her in. It’s an integration grid that takes a lot of focus, concentration and fine tuning. But it is slowly softening an energy that had hardened over almost 3 decades.